Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
