What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
