Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
