Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
