I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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