ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
