The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Randomize
