I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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