i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
