I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
