someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
