She is in my trunk
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
