YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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