he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
