The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
