My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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