I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
only you would photoshop your dick
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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