My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
