Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
