i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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