Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
operation have a gay friend backfired
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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