This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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