I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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