I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
