I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
