Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
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