he was CRYING into my vagina
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
