There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
