Pappa wants mamma naked
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
