Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
