The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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