I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
