why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
