I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i came on her dog
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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