Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
