Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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