i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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