i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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