He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
