You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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