Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
