I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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