i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
