Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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