It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
