At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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