oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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