that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
