ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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