just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
