Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
